Sauce Bolognese?

This sauce should be illegal!  In fact, if I was in Bologna and I called this sauce,  Bolognese sauce, I might not get arrested and tossed into a cruddy Italian jail by a wimpy-armed carabinieri, but the state would officially scoff at me.  If you don't believe me, you better check your atlas, baby.  Seriously.  Sick and tired from years and years of phony meat sauces flying under the banner of Bolognese sauce, the Academy of Italian Cuisine (Accademia Italiana della Cucina) put a stop to this monkey business and, in 1992, issued a state-sanctioned recipe for Bolognese sauce: beef, pancetta, onions, carrots, celery, tomato, beef stock, red wine and milk.  (Apparently you can't use salt!)  Not only that, but you've pretty much gotta serve it on tagliatelle (really wide noodles) to boot.  Fortunately for me, I can bump out tagliatelle any day of the week, even, uh, what's today, even on a Thursday in March.

Like I said, I didn't make Bolognese sauce, and I'm not calling this sauce Bolognese sauce either.  I'm calling it wickedly awesome, get your ass arrested, delicious meat sauce with mushrooms, Italian sausage, anchovies (they disappear into the background) and, of course, tomato and milk.  Half n half, actually.  Take that, you Italian butt-jobs!  

First I partially cooked the sausage link in olive oil.


Then I pulled out the sausage, put it in a bowl, and sweated the onions.


Then I scratched my balls.


Then I put the anchovies and some anchovy oil into the pot.


Then I sauteed the mushrooms (I used criminis) and removed them.


Then I browned the beef and a small amount of finely diced carrot and celery.


Then I chucked in some dried oregano and chopped garlic.


Then I chucked the mushrooms and (now chopped up) sausage into the pot.


Then I dumped in the tomato sauce, a bit of water (from rinsing the can)


and a little left-over pizza sauce from the other night.  Why not!


And now, while my sauce simmers, I will make the tagliatelle. 

And I'll finish it with the half n half.  Plus SALT!!!

So long Suckers!


p.s. it's fun to Italicize Italian words! Fa fan culo! Ciao!!!